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There's a blue haze reflecting off the street-lights. It's glaring through the rain. My awareness is slowly creeping through. I guess it's to balance my mother's. My heart is beating a hundred times a second. My mind is racing and I'm wrecked.
I can feel the lump in my throat, I just want to turn and run. I feel so fucking useless. I can't keep this ship afloat. I'm drowning, I am cold and numb. Why am I so fucking useless?
I've never seen such a strong character look so weak and pale. My conciousness alerts me only to my motionlessness. But Sarah Goldfarb, don't be lonely. I always swore I'd never fall apart. One more broken promise won't hurt.
I know I've let you down. I've seen that expression a hundred times.
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I give up on you with my skin and my bones, 'cause I'm so fucking used to being alone. I'm not comfortable with crowds and you know that I get these social anxieties.
I don't have much to say. You don't want me here anyway. There's no reason to stay.
I've lost motivation. Whole days spent in bed where I don't get up to do anything. I hate my nine-to-five. It's lame and I hate dealing with these issues all fucking day.
And I can't fake a smile. My knees are weak, my hands are dry. I think I'm just passing time.
I broke down at work. I couldn't handle it. I broke down at work. I fucking hate it.
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I'd like to start by saying how hard this was for me to write in a continual form because contextually this could have been a bitter, angry song, but I figured I'd write it reflectively, both rights and wrongs. The light and the dark, the good and the bad. In retrospect it's just sad.
So here it is. Cards on the table. Heart on my sleeve. Your laugh - somewhere in the back of my mind.
I guess you could say our relationship has always been strenuous. For that, I suppose that I should be grateful for others are far more tenuous. And I've got these photographs that show only the good times. But I promise that I won't look, my hands will cover my eyes. And if I could scratch them out, I would. I'd pull out my hair one fistful at a time. You can wear my broken teeth around your neck, your prize. Congratulations on your lack of a backbone.
The further I run, the more that I find of myself in you. I can't escape that. I wouldn't want to. But I'm fighting to find anything that I can't relate to in you. I guess in all honesty, that scares me. It scares me. It's scarred me. I'm sorry.
So here it is. Heart on the table. Blood on my sleeves. Your laugh - somewhere in the back of my mind.
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There's a ghost in every corner of my mind, slowly creeping through my conciousness each and every night. I don't know what to do. Last night I woke up cold and shaking. I'm losing my hold.
It's dark and damp and dangerous. I guess something died inside of us. Didn't dare to think, drank until drunk. Died several times and stained my lungs. If time heals all wounds then what do I do when I'm praying for sleep but night won't come? Fuck it, I'm done.
I don't feel now how I felt then. This town is cold, you're not my friend. I don't feel now how I felt then. Some people break while others bend. It's eating me up inside; It's burying me alive.
This feels like 'Groundhog Day' and I'm too unfit to outrun these white ghosts chasing me, these red devils haunting me. It feels like, they're guiding me.
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Hey, I'm just letting you know that I might need your help getting through this week. It's late now and I'm tired, my body's broken and weak. And if things could be the way they were when we were just kids, not a worry in the world, we could make this fit. But hey, I'm just letting you know.
I've had a couple of rough nights, a couple of lonely taxis home. I went searching and found you lacking, the thought of it chills me to the bone. And last week was bad, now I'm dreading the next. I just can't relate to anyone here or a word they say. Silence is a golden trait. But hey, I'm just letting you know.
And now it's sticking in my throat, could be the words I wanted to say. Could be the bad taste reminding me to keep next week at bay. Sorry if I've been kinda distant. I've had a lot on my mind. I promise to let you know how this goes. I'll be fine.
But if I could stay here for just a while, I'd have no reason to leave. Calm my nerves and learn to smile, give me a reason to breathe. Please. Give me a reason to breathe. But hey...
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released August 8, 2014
